Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Friday, November 21, 2014
Why am I here?
Sometimes we don't know what the hell we are doing here...for me, lately it's a lot of the time. Days come and go when my life seems like one long series of mistakes. I did a past life regression today...it seems as if perhaps in my last life (or a recent previous life) I ate grasshoppers for a time just to stay alive. My whole family, of which I was the matriarch, sat down to a meal of grasshoppers for dinner. This is what I offered to my children in this apparent past life. It made me wonder at the resilience of life...the question always hanging over...why do we do this? Why do we come into form into this "matrix" just to have these often confusing experiences that at the end of the day amount to no consequence? I feel at times so urged on towards a purpose...sometimes felt strongly known, and more often not understood at all. We are set into a seemingly random set of circumstances (the family we are born into, our day of birth ect) and make all of our choices extending outward from the experiences that come from those experiences. Up until the age of about 6 they say we are basically in a hypnotic state recording everything we see and hear and storing it in our subconscious as "the truth." It is very difficult to overcome this subconscious recording I have found in my own experience and in the shared experiences of my friends and family. Sometimes I think nothing we do here matters, and sometimes I think everything we do matters. But I have long ago from a very early age grown weary of looking at the unfairness of things...the lies we are told...the lies we tell ourselves...the way we treat the planet, each other and ourselves. It's downright hideous. I needed glasses by the time I was in 7th grade. No one in my family wore glasses, it was not genetic. I stopped wanting to "see." The body and everything in the external world is literally recording and responding to our thoughts. It records every feeling and understanding and responds. Heart problems run in my family. We die of broken hearts. We die of addiction and self abuse because it hurts so much to be in this world and we see it too clearly. These are the side effects of being empathic in a world run by ego. I think the ego was once supposed to serve a useful purpose, the purpose of survival...it's the animalistic instinct that provides us with fight or flight. It's the radar system. But somehow it outsmarted even itself by deciding to take over the whole system and over rule truth, beauty and justice by always wanting to be right. It learned to be deceptive so that it could always have control. It uses judgement in every act of self preservation and in doing so judges only itself which equals self destruction. In this process it has become responsible for the wheel of karma, death and reincarnation inside of a system that was meant to be everlasting and thus instead destroys itself again and again returning to worms and accomplishing nothing. Death is nothing. It doesn't exist. It just scares you into believing you have something to protect and takes away it's own ability to be vulnerable to the only things that can save you: truth, and love.
Truth and love don't exist independently of each other. They are one and the same. They were born with God and are the only eternals. There is no such thing as love without truth. Anyone who tries it, fails...and miserably. I have dedicated my life to finding truth and in the search also to love. To love unconditionally is the only effortless thing we can do. Everything else is only fighting against that. Every self serving thing is emptiness. When we are lying to anyone, we are only lying to ourselves and we lose every time. We are the mind of God actualized into organic form to be a focal point for experience and God's only purpose is to experience love.
Sometimes I can sense that eery feeling that we are this weird little amalgam of species in a petrie dish inside the terrarium called Earth...and in our attempts to take our hands full of all the beauty that is already here and greedily make something out of it all or try and improve upon it we are exponentially destroying our own habitat...and just like the pets that we keep and watch, we are kept and watched...we are given food and water and all these "things" just to see what we will do with them. Sometimes it is immensely stunning...I know how profound it is to be in the presence of genius...people who take a handful of the magic here and make it tangible for the rest of us to gaze upon (I've always wanted to and strive to do this, to be an inspiration)...and then there is the audience of idiots, armchair critics and uneducated, overstimulated bored/boring lazy asses who just critisize any effort to do good things, or to change things for the better. Big minds are ridiculed by small minds all day everyday. And everything we try to find a crack where the light can get in is thwarted by media commentary, glamorizing bullshit to distract you and consumed under a mountain of hatred built up for eons. The egoic mind is a scourge on the earth but also on the collective conscience, and we all suffer under it. If you think you've escaped the ego, you're under an even heavier hand. The only way out is through...the only escape is awakening from your own delusion that anything but truth will save you...and the truth is, I'm talking to myself...because nobody else can hear the importance of a message you need to learn yourself, and we learn by teaching. If you understand, the veil is lifting. It's time to wake up. Can you hear me now?
Truth and love don't exist independently of each other. They are one and the same. They were born with God and are the only eternals. There is no such thing as love without truth. Anyone who tries it, fails...and miserably. I have dedicated my life to finding truth and in the search also to love. To love unconditionally is the only effortless thing we can do. Everything else is only fighting against that. Every self serving thing is emptiness. When we are lying to anyone, we are only lying to ourselves and we lose every time. We are the mind of God actualized into organic form to be a focal point for experience and God's only purpose is to experience love.
Sometimes I can sense that eery feeling that we are this weird little amalgam of species in a petrie dish inside the terrarium called Earth...and in our attempts to take our hands full of all the beauty that is already here and greedily make something out of it all or try and improve upon it we are exponentially destroying our own habitat...and just like the pets that we keep and watch, we are kept and watched...we are given food and water and all these "things" just to see what we will do with them. Sometimes it is immensely stunning...I know how profound it is to be in the presence of genius...people who take a handful of the magic here and make it tangible for the rest of us to gaze upon (I've always wanted to and strive to do this, to be an inspiration)...and then there is the audience of idiots, armchair critics and uneducated, overstimulated bored/boring lazy asses who just critisize any effort to do good things, or to change things for the better. Big minds are ridiculed by small minds all day everyday. And everything we try to find a crack where the light can get in is thwarted by media commentary, glamorizing bullshit to distract you and consumed under a mountain of hatred built up for eons. The egoic mind is a scourge on the earth but also on the collective conscience, and we all suffer under it. If you think you've escaped the ego, you're under an even heavier hand. The only way out is through...the only escape is awakening from your own delusion that anything but truth will save you...and the truth is, I'm talking to myself...because nobody else can hear the importance of a message you need to learn yourself, and we learn by teaching. If you understand, the veil is lifting. It's time to wake up. Can you hear me now?
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
A year in review...
While most are contemplating last minute gift shopping and pre-prepping the family Christmas dinner while getting loose on eggnog or pouring peppermint scnapps in their coffee, I am quietly and humbly staring 40 in the face, and preparing to embrace. Yep, While you open presents and make excuses for your drunk aunt and break up fights between the kids over who got the better gifts, I'll be turning the big four O. I swear I feel younger than I did when I was 30...due mostly in part to my 8 years vegan, 6 of them raw and my awakening awareness to health that has included regular exercise, getting out and connecting with nature, hypnosis/meditation/prayer, periodic fasting, listening to the inner guidance, learning to forgive myself and others and getting enough sleep and fresh water....while at the age of 30 I was a smoker, drinker, recreational drug user, omnivore overeater, very sedentary, pessimist, in an unhealthy relationship, I could keep going, but it's pointless. I was not aware of what being healthy meant and I could never have conceived of how much health means to your quality of life and connection to spirit. Yep, I am getting younger.
These days I don't think in terms of making resolutions because every day I strive to become better in whatever way that I can. So what I like to do instead is count my accomplishments of the year. I am harder on myself than anyone I know. I guess I am a bit of an over achiever which means I never really feel accomplished and a "creative work-aholic" by which I mean, If I don't have several projects going, I don't know who I am. I think of my creativity as my career on Earth and I'm all in...I have to put myself fully into everything I do, whether it's a free form collage like I like to make in my spare time, or a song or a video project...but the kind of projects I do usually have a lot of down time so I tend to have several going at once so that I always have something to work on. I have quite a year to review. I think that if we all took the time to look back and applaud our accomplishments of the year, rather than look at where we are considering ourselves failing and setting up a list on which we are likely to fall short, we would all be more successful in the long run. Look at each day as an opportunity to give back to life and you can't go wrong.
This year:
*I finished a movie I have been working on for 5 years and released it online for free (you can watch it here):
http://youtu.be/TyAGL_yL1YU
*I created an educational cook book that includes vegan and raw vegan recipes and explains my theories on food and why most people are not experiencing optimum health. You can order it here:
http://www.racrystalpalace.com/
*I got BOTH of my children through another year, alive and well and more spoiled than they can comprehend
*I survived the loss of my soulmate and learned an immeasurable amount about love, life and mortality...more than can ever be put into words but which has enriched my life immensely
*I completed a long waterfast that I had been wanting to do for years and learned so much about my body I will never look at things the same again
*I made a connection that is going to change the course of my life forever...which has also taught me an incredible amount about faith and patience
*I manifested like a mofo, whatever I needed to do my creative projects and create general contentment
*I worked with an amazing producer, and even though we weren't able to complete my music project, I finally heard what my music can sound like when a serious talent is in charge and it renewed my faith in my music...I will make that record
*I set my intention to improve my poker game and I won a lot of tournaments this year, including cash outs and being the first to qualify for our yearly fur rondy tournament, anchorage's biggest tournament of the year
*I was on a reality tv show which is a lifelong dream fulfilled and fueled the fire...I'm 100% on what I want to do when I grow up :)
*I put together an album of my old unreleased songs after my boyfriend encouraged me to share with him everything I have ever written and I had to go back through old things I thought had no value but actually are a nice record of where I have come from...you can order that album here:
http://kunaki.com/sales.asp?PID=PX00ZEBGOQ
*I made a lot of inspirational videos that I'm proud of and I received a lot of positive feed back
*I outlined and began writing my next script
*I stepped up my photography game by getting the camera of my dreams thanks to being inspired by my sweety who was an amazing photographer and started a photography page, you can view it here:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/109146783@N04/
*I also had countless little personal victories that are difficult to categorize as they are mostly mental in nature...I continue to grow into who I am and embracing my own evolution
*lots of little artistic projects that were "just for me"
*I made it to 40 and get to keep going...I can only imagine how much I'll accomplish in the coming year...
Wishing you all the best in your endeavors in the coming year and embracing all of who you are and are becoming.
These days I don't think in terms of making resolutions because every day I strive to become better in whatever way that I can. So what I like to do instead is count my accomplishments of the year. I am harder on myself than anyone I know. I guess I am a bit of an over achiever which means I never really feel accomplished and a "creative work-aholic" by which I mean, If I don't have several projects going, I don't know who I am. I think of my creativity as my career on Earth and I'm all in...I have to put myself fully into everything I do, whether it's a free form collage like I like to make in my spare time, or a song or a video project...but the kind of projects I do usually have a lot of down time so I tend to have several going at once so that I always have something to work on. I have quite a year to review. I think that if we all took the time to look back and applaud our accomplishments of the year, rather than look at where we are considering ourselves failing and setting up a list on which we are likely to fall short, we would all be more successful in the long run. Look at each day as an opportunity to give back to life and you can't go wrong.
This year:
*I finished a movie I have been working on for 5 years and released it online for free (you can watch it here):
http://youtu.be/TyAGL_yL1YU
*I created an educational cook book that includes vegan and raw vegan recipes and explains my theories on food and why most people are not experiencing optimum health. You can order it here:
http://www.racrystalpalace.com/
*I got BOTH of my children through another year, alive and well and more spoiled than they can comprehend
*I survived the loss of my soulmate and learned an immeasurable amount about love, life and mortality...more than can ever be put into words but which has enriched my life immensely
*I completed a long waterfast that I had been wanting to do for years and learned so much about my body I will never look at things the same again
*I made a connection that is going to change the course of my life forever...which has also taught me an incredible amount about faith and patience
*I manifested like a mofo, whatever I needed to do my creative projects and create general contentment
*I worked with an amazing producer, and even though we weren't able to complete my music project, I finally heard what my music can sound like when a serious talent is in charge and it renewed my faith in my music...I will make that record
*I set my intention to improve my poker game and I won a lot of tournaments this year, including cash outs and being the first to qualify for our yearly fur rondy tournament, anchorage's biggest tournament of the year
*I was on a reality tv show which is a lifelong dream fulfilled and fueled the fire...I'm 100% on what I want to do when I grow up :)
*I put together an album of my old unreleased songs after my boyfriend encouraged me to share with him everything I have ever written and I had to go back through old things I thought had no value but actually are a nice record of where I have come from...you can order that album here:
http://kunaki.com/sales.asp?PID=PX00ZEBGOQ
*I made a lot of inspirational videos that I'm proud of and I received a lot of positive feed back
*I outlined and began writing my next script
*I stepped up my photography game by getting the camera of my dreams thanks to being inspired by my sweety who was an amazing photographer and started a photography page, you can view it here:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/109146783@N04/
*I also had countless little personal victories that are difficult to categorize as they are mostly mental in nature...I continue to grow into who I am and embracing my own evolution
*lots of little artistic projects that were "just for me"
*I made it to 40 and get to keep going...I can only imagine how much I'll accomplish in the coming year...
Wishing you all the best in your endeavors in the coming year and embracing all of who you are and are becoming.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Day 19: Break fast :)
weight: 90.4
Around noon I cracked a young thai coconut. I had to sit on the floor (lol) and it took a lot of effort. The first sip was amazing as coconut water has never tasted very sweet to me so my tastebuds were definitely refreshed. By the time I finished drinking it over the course of an hour it seemed like syrup.
About an hour later I ate one of those tiny mandarin oranges, sweet, juicy and though minimal chewing was required it made my jaw a little sore and I was really full from it...which is funny since it's not much larger than a golf ball.
An hour and a half or 2 later I went for a grapefruit. I thought I wouldn't be able to finish it but it's mostly juice anyway and amazing flavor so I finished it.
Though I'm still weak I can definitely feel the energy returning. It's evening time and I still get light headed when I stand so not much has changed from the last few days. I'm eating a little every couple hours. Besides what I've already mentioned I had a piece of a red bell pepper and an orange one half at a time. I feel like my blood sugar drops everytime something digest which is pretty fast so I am having my friend get some sweet and regular potatoes to give me something a little stickier...I really want to recover some energy and get back to life!
Around noon I cracked a young thai coconut. I had to sit on the floor (lol) and it took a lot of effort. The first sip was amazing as coconut water has never tasted very sweet to me so my tastebuds were definitely refreshed. By the time I finished drinking it over the course of an hour it seemed like syrup.
About an hour later I ate one of those tiny mandarin oranges, sweet, juicy and though minimal chewing was required it made my jaw a little sore and I was really full from it...which is funny since it's not much larger than a golf ball.
An hour and a half or 2 later I went for a grapefruit. I thought I wouldn't be able to finish it but it's mostly juice anyway and amazing flavor so I finished it.
Though I'm still weak I can definitely feel the energy returning. It's evening time and I still get light headed when I stand so not much has changed from the last few days. I'm eating a little every couple hours. Besides what I've already mentioned I had a piece of a red bell pepper and an orange one half at a time. I feel like my blood sugar drops everytime something digest which is pretty fast so I am having my friend get some sweet and regular potatoes to give me something a little stickier...I really want to recover some energy and get back to life!
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Waterfast day 18
weight 90.8
-walking around just to pee and get water has become extrememly difficult. I have almost passed out twice today and I'm also wobbly. I feel hungry all the time. I'm going to stick out the rest of today because there is a swelling in my neck glands that feels like a healing happening, started yesterday, and I'm hoping for it to resolve tommorow as I have decided to break the fast a day early. I feel like I did an amazing thing here, it is a long time just for water with a body in my condition...and I'm going to give myself plenty of time to enjoy life before I go back for a longer attempt at a full healing. I will be looking at life in a whole new way, so grateful...and more aware of my fortitude and mental will power.
-walking around just to pee and get water has become extrememly difficult. I have almost passed out twice today and I'm also wobbly. I feel hungry all the time. I'm going to stick out the rest of today because there is a swelling in my neck glands that feels like a healing happening, started yesterday, and I'm hoping for it to resolve tommorow as I have decided to break the fast a day early. I feel like I did an amazing thing here, it is a long time just for water with a body in my condition...and I'm going to give myself plenty of time to enjoy life before I go back for a longer attempt at a full healing. I will be looking at life in a whole new way, so grateful...and more aware of my fortitude and mental will power.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Waterfast day 17
weight 92.1 temp: 96.7
-my lightheadedness was really bad yesterday. It's a lot better today. I even feel mentally stronger but so glad I'm on the home stretch. Friday friday cannot come soon enough.
-I feel stronger today. Walking around doesn't cause immediate loss of breath and rapid heart beat but it's still not easy.
-there's this place in LA that has a glass case full of raw food creations and they are outstanding...mock bagel with the works, thick crust pizza, gourmet desserts...I want someone to carry me in there and I'll choose a smorgesborg...problem, I'd probably eat three bites and have to be rolled out.
-I want to sleep till Friday.
-my lightheadedness was really bad yesterday. It's a lot better today. I even feel mentally stronger but so glad I'm on the home stretch. Friday friday cannot come soon enough.
-I feel stronger today. Walking around doesn't cause immediate loss of breath and rapid heart beat but it's still not easy.
-there's this place in LA that has a glass case full of raw food creations and they are outstanding...mock bagel with the works, thick crust pizza, gourmet desserts...I want someone to carry me in there and I'll choose a smorgesborg...problem, I'd probably eat three bites and have to be rolled out.
-I want to sleep till Friday.
Sunday, October 6, 2013
waterfast day 15 and 16
weight: 92.4 temp: 96.3 (afternoon)
I haven't had energy or motivation to write. I'm weak pretty much laying in bed except to pee and get water. If I stand up too long I get light headed, my hard pounds and I breathe heavy so I am just toughing out the home stretch mostly lying down. Sorry, that's all for today :)
I haven't had energy or motivation to write. I'm weak pretty much laying in bed except to pee and get water. If I stand up too long I get light headed, my hard pounds and I breathe heavy so I am just toughing out the home stretch mostly lying down. Sorry, that's all for today :)
Friday, October 4, 2013
Waterfast day 14
weight: 93.4 temp: 97.6 (afternoon)
-I haven't had much interest in the mirror...I mention this because I am typically always checking to see if I look ok while I'm ready to go on errands ect. But I made an observation in the last couple days that I have had no interest in looking at myself. But when I have looked in the mirror, I noticed for the first part of the fast my eyes were really blood shot...but since my eyesight has become a little sharper I assumed that was part of the healing process. Today I pulled out my hand mirror to see how my eyes are doing and they are so clear. Can't remember seeing them like that before.
-I hope I didn't unintentionally worry anyone with my last post talking about my heart and my weakness. I was having heart pains and palpitations before I started this fast which is one of the top reasons that I started. I was able to lay down comfortably last night and I think it's more about getting used to new feelings that come with deep healing. I'm sure that my heart is healing. Heart problems run in my family. My grandfather on my Dad's side died of a heart attack, my grandmother had a pacemaker and my Dad took pills for his heart his whole life. The heart is related to anger at mom. My mom and Dad divorced when i was 3 and I lived with my Dad. She was in and out of drug rehabilitations and jail and I heard from her infrequently over the years so I definitely have abandonment issues. I have been working really hard during this time to forgive, not just her but myself and my Dad and everyone I have ever perceived as "hurting" me. The only thing that can really hurt us is our thoughts and I have been asking for clarity as to why I am still so angry about all the things I feel like I have come to terms with. The mental and the physical are so intertwined sometimes it's hard to see which is causing what...for example, I know the hormone surge that comes with pms makes me irrate, but why is the hormone surge happening? I'm doing a lot of thinking and grappling for clarity at this time.
-I didn't want to state my end goal in the beginning because I wasn't sure if I wanted to go 21 or 25 days but I've realized after 14 days that I'm not going to get a complete healing even on 25 days, it would take 40 or more I believe, so I'm going to chalk this one up to beneficial practice and end my fast at 21 days...7 days to go.
-though a crisp green salad and potatoes of any kind are predominant on the mind, the idea of eating is really foreign. The first thing I plan to have is coconut water to get my body used to having external glucose in a form that doesn't require digestion. My friend shared with me her refeeding process after 21 days and she said it was really difficult to get anything down. The stomach shrinks so much I have no idea how it's going to physically feel to put food in my body. I do remember that last time I broke my fast on fruit and all the glands around my face swelled up and were painful for days because they were having to produce saliva again...I found it interesting that I never really realized I had all those glands on my jaw line. Also chewing anything is a chore because those muscles haven't been used. So it will first be juice and squishy things. Oranges sound good.
-don't think I mentioned I made it to the bath yesterday. I felt so depleted in the morning and afternoon and that was when I wrote yesterdays blog. Standing in the shower sounds like a nightmare so I stopped even attempting...I take baths, shooting for every other day because I'm not creating any bad odors but my hair gets grimy.
-I would like to ask that anyone who feels worried about me because they don't understand waterfasting (I appreciate the concern but it's misguided) to instead of writing me about how worried you are, just google waterfasting and get educated about what an amazing and SAFE healing process it is. (Thankyou in advance).
-I haven't had much interest in the mirror...I mention this because I am typically always checking to see if I look ok while I'm ready to go on errands ect. But I made an observation in the last couple days that I have had no interest in looking at myself. But when I have looked in the mirror, I noticed for the first part of the fast my eyes were really blood shot...but since my eyesight has become a little sharper I assumed that was part of the healing process. Today I pulled out my hand mirror to see how my eyes are doing and they are so clear. Can't remember seeing them like that before.
-I hope I didn't unintentionally worry anyone with my last post talking about my heart and my weakness. I was having heart pains and palpitations before I started this fast which is one of the top reasons that I started. I was able to lay down comfortably last night and I think it's more about getting used to new feelings that come with deep healing. I'm sure that my heart is healing. Heart problems run in my family. My grandfather on my Dad's side died of a heart attack, my grandmother had a pacemaker and my Dad took pills for his heart his whole life. The heart is related to anger at mom. My mom and Dad divorced when i was 3 and I lived with my Dad. She was in and out of drug rehabilitations and jail and I heard from her infrequently over the years so I definitely have abandonment issues. I have been working really hard during this time to forgive, not just her but myself and my Dad and everyone I have ever perceived as "hurting" me. The only thing that can really hurt us is our thoughts and I have been asking for clarity as to why I am still so angry about all the things I feel like I have come to terms with. The mental and the physical are so intertwined sometimes it's hard to see which is causing what...for example, I know the hormone surge that comes with pms makes me irrate, but why is the hormone surge happening? I'm doing a lot of thinking and grappling for clarity at this time.
-I didn't want to state my end goal in the beginning because I wasn't sure if I wanted to go 21 or 25 days but I've realized after 14 days that I'm not going to get a complete healing even on 25 days, it would take 40 or more I believe, so I'm going to chalk this one up to beneficial practice and end my fast at 21 days...7 days to go.
-though a crisp green salad and potatoes of any kind are predominant on the mind, the idea of eating is really foreign. The first thing I plan to have is coconut water to get my body used to having external glucose in a form that doesn't require digestion. My friend shared with me her refeeding process after 21 days and she said it was really difficult to get anything down. The stomach shrinks so much I have no idea how it's going to physically feel to put food in my body. I do remember that last time I broke my fast on fruit and all the glands around my face swelled up and were painful for days because they were having to produce saliva again...I found it interesting that I never really realized I had all those glands on my jaw line. Also chewing anything is a chore because those muscles haven't been used. So it will first be juice and squishy things. Oranges sound good.
-don't think I mentioned I made it to the bath yesterday. I felt so depleted in the morning and afternoon and that was when I wrote yesterdays blog. Standing in the shower sounds like a nightmare so I stopped even attempting...I take baths, shooting for every other day because I'm not creating any bad odors but my hair gets grimy.
-I would like to ask that anyone who feels worried about me because they don't understand waterfasting (I appreciate the concern but it's misguided) to instead of writing me about how worried you are, just google waterfasting and get educated about what an amazing and SAFE healing process it is. (Thankyou in advance).
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Waterfast day 13
weight: 94 temp: 97 (afternoon)
-Last night was really difficult. If I layed flat or on my side my heart would beat hard and fast and it was giving me anxiety so I ended up sleeping in an almost half sitting up position with pillows. Not very restful. At some point in the night my shoulder that I've mentioned became so inflamed with throbbing pain that it woke me up. I sat with it, observing the pain as a sensation and after a long time it would subside to the degree I would fall asleep. Then it would happen again and wake me up. I think it happened about 3 times. When I finally woke up for the morning, the inflamation was gone but it feels the same amount of pain as when we started. I'm guessing there is a lot of work there for the body to clean up whatever kind of injury that is.
-the not being able to lie down without anxiety started yesterday evening so it's been annoying to have to remain in one position all the time. I would prefer to relax as I watch movies but it just seems like my heart has to work too hard if I do that. I've calculated my highest heartbeat at around 90 bps, which is still in normal range but uncomfortable for me because I'm not used to it. I read that it's very normal to have an increased heart rate while fasting, you have to figure the body is doing a lot more work on itself than it normally can so it needs that ooomph, but it can certainly be unsettling at times. Just walking to the bathroom or fridge for water raises it up like I just ran a city block.
-I'm hanging in there. Don't really have the energy to write down my random thoughts.
-Last night was really difficult. If I layed flat or on my side my heart would beat hard and fast and it was giving me anxiety so I ended up sleeping in an almost half sitting up position with pillows. Not very restful. At some point in the night my shoulder that I've mentioned became so inflamed with throbbing pain that it woke me up. I sat with it, observing the pain as a sensation and after a long time it would subside to the degree I would fall asleep. Then it would happen again and wake me up. I think it happened about 3 times. When I finally woke up for the morning, the inflamation was gone but it feels the same amount of pain as when we started. I'm guessing there is a lot of work there for the body to clean up whatever kind of injury that is.
-the not being able to lie down without anxiety started yesterday evening so it's been annoying to have to remain in one position all the time. I would prefer to relax as I watch movies but it just seems like my heart has to work too hard if I do that. I've calculated my highest heartbeat at around 90 bps, which is still in normal range but uncomfortable for me because I'm not used to it. I read that it's very normal to have an increased heart rate while fasting, you have to figure the body is doing a lot more work on itself than it normally can so it needs that ooomph, but it can certainly be unsettling at times. Just walking to the bathroom or fridge for water raises it up like I just ran a city block.
-I'm hanging in there. Don't really have the energy to write down my random thoughts.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
waterfast day 12
weight: 94.8 temp: 98 (morning) 96.7 (afternoon)
-again nothing really major or new to report. I had the thought today that if it doesn't get any worse than this I can keep going, but we definitely take our energy and our strength for granted. I have a feeling I'm going to become even more productive when I recover mine.
-In my listing off many toxic contributers to my current health condition I forgot to mention I had 7 mercury fillings put in at the age of 7. Which reminded me of those early childhood days when we would eat cheerios, rice crispies or cornflakes for breakfast which was always served with a sugar bowl. I would put so many spoonfulls of sugar on my cereal that after the cereal was gone there was a thick sugar syrup left, which of course I would scoop up as much of with every bite as possible. I would also eat honey straight out of the jar, I guessed I loved it but I overdosed one time and to this day I can't stand it. All but one of my amalgam fillings was replaced by adult teeth. About 3 years ago I had it pulled straight out because I didn't want the mercury getting stirred up and adding to my toxicity level. They also gave me radioactive iodide to render my thyroid inactive. Though I did several rounds of DMSA (a heavy metal chelator) I'm sure my load was pretty heavy and deeply stored since it happened when I was so young.
Thoughts I had today: Everyone who asks me where I get my protein is overweight. The world has essentially been brainwashed about protein.
Everyone on these cooking shows is overweight. People are willing to sacrifice their health for taste.
A salad sounds amazing :)
I made jerk jackfruit jerky one time...what a genius creation. Jerk flavor is really on the brain lately.
Am I going to get through this?
Thank God my kids are understanding and I have amazing friends to help.
I can't stop thinking about potatoes (better than last time I couldn't stop thinking about donuts)...potato curry, scalloped potatoes, potato casserole, potato pancakes, hashbrowns, potato stew, potato vindaloo, mashed potatoes, smash (potato, sweetpotato, plantian, yam puree), tempura sweet potatoes...jeez, I don't know
-again nothing really major or new to report. I had the thought today that if it doesn't get any worse than this I can keep going, but we definitely take our energy and our strength for granted. I have a feeling I'm going to become even more productive when I recover mine.
-In my listing off many toxic contributers to my current health condition I forgot to mention I had 7 mercury fillings put in at the age of 7. Which reminded me of those early childhood days when we would eat cheerios, rice crispies or cornflakes for breakfast which was always served with a sugar bowl. I would put so many spoonfulls of sugar on my cereal that after the cereal was gone there was a thick sugar syrup left, which of course I would scoop up as much of with every bite as possible. I would also eat honey straight out of the jar, I guessed I loved it but I overdosed one time and to this day I can't stand it. All but one of my amalgam fillings was replaced by adult teeth. About 3 years ago I had it pulled straight out because I didn't want the mercury getting stirred up and adding to my toxicity level. They also gave me radioactive iodide to render my thyroid inactive. Though I did several rounds of DMSA (a heavy metal chelator) I'm sure my load was pretty heavy and deeply stored since it happened when I was so young.
Thoughts I had today: Everyone who asks me where I get my protein is overweight. The world has essentially been brainwashed about protein.
Everyone on these cooking shows is overweight. People are willing to sacrifice their health for taste.
A salad sounds amazing :)
I made jerk jackfruit jerky one time...what a genius creation. Jerk flavor is really on the brain lately.
Am I going to get through this?
Thank God my kids are understanding and I have amazing friends to help.
I can't stop thinking about potatoes (better than last time I couldn't stop thinking about donuts)...potato curry, scalloped potatoes, potato casserole, potato pancakes, hashbrowns, potato stew, potato vindaloo, mashed potatoes, smash (potato, sweetpotato, plantian, yam puree), tempura sweet potatoes...jeez, I don't know
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Water fast Day 11
weight: 95.8 temp: 96.3 (afternoon)
-there's not a lot to report today. Interesting that my weight was the same as yesterday. Incredibly weak, every little thing is an effort but I did a colonic because I had that urge to go and nothing would come out (passed more hard stuff that sank and nothing was floating so no idea if I passed anymore parasites) and then I took a bath, opened my window to the sun and took a nap for at least an hour.
-I was thinking about the 7 deadly sins today and how religion has scared people into eternal damnation which makes them controlable. I think in reality these were given as more of a guideline as to what will injure the physical body: wrath-anger hurts you physically, it raises your blood pressure,and we're apt to supress it which is even more dangerous leading to disease if it isn't released, greed-holding on is blocking flow and life is flow, you give to receive, if you block your flow you clog your system, sloth-sitting around stagnates the lymph...if you aren't moving your lymph you are dying, pride-how many times have you known you were wrong but didn't say so because of your pride? This causes guilt and guilt is toxic to the system, lust-wanting is always a problem...if you want something, look at it...the wanting creates the feeling of lack and lack is death...you already have everything you need, envy-this is simply a way of telling yourself that someone else is better than you or has it better and that is lie because you never have the whole story. If you lie to yourself it hurts your tissues. Nobody has it better than you and no one is better or worse than you, and gluttony-filling your temple with things it can't do anything with, things it can't digest, too much of anything is going to get stored somewhere in your body and cause problems.
-Day 11 is almost over which means I'm almost halfway done. I feel accomplished. A few words come to mind about the journey so far: grueling, harrowing, draining, frustrating...meanwhile, I've never done something so challenging and succeded and I'm no where near the hemisphere of quitting. I can't even think of an appropriate thing to put in my body besides water. I miss my energy but we shall meet again one beautiful day not so far away.
-there's not a lot to report today. Interesting that my weight was the same as yesterday. Incredibly weak, every little thing is an effort but I did a colonic because I had that urge to go and nothing would come out (passed more hard stuff that sank and nothing was floating so no idea if I passed anymore parasites) and then I took a bath, opened my window to the sun and took a nap for at least an hour.
-I was thinking about the 7 deadly sins today and how religion has scared people into eternal damnation which makes them controlable. I think in reality these were given as more of a guideline as to what will injure the physical body: wrath-anger hurts you physically, it raises your blood pressure,and we're apt to supress it which is even more dangerous leading to disease if it isn't released, greed-holding on is blocking flow and life is flow, you give to receive, if you block your flow you clog your system, sloth-sitting around stagnates the lymph...if you aren't moving your lymph you are dying, pride-how many times have you known you were wrong but didn't say so because of your pride? This causes guilt and guilt is toxic to the system, lust-wanting is always a problem...if you want something, look at it...the wanting creates the feeling of lack and lack is death...you already have everything you need, envy-this is simply a way of telling yourself that someone else is better than you or has it better and that is lie because you never have the whole story. If you lie to yourself it hurts your tissues. Nobody has it better than you and no one is better or worse than you, and gluttony-filling your temple with things it can't do anything with, things it can't digest, too much of anything is going to get stored somewhere in your body and cause problems.
-Day 11 is almost over which means I'm almost halfway done. I feel accomplished. A few words come to mind about the journey so far: grueling, harrowing, draining, frustrating...meanwhile, I've never done something so challenging and succeded and I'm no where near the hemisphere of quitting. I can't even think of an appropriate thing to put in my body besides water. I miss my energy but we shall meet again one beautiful day not so far away.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Water fast day 10
weight: 95.8 temp: 97.7 (morning) 96.6 (afternoon)
-wow, day 10...a triumph in itself. Many people plan a 10 day water fast and get good results. I feel like to stop now would be more detrimental than any good it has done to come this far. The healing processes are in full effect and to halt them would be devastating. Though I do think the shorter fasts stretched over time are a good plan to adjust to fasting and prepare for the long one. I've done many 1 day water fasts in the past, a 6 day and a 7 day fast (plus a 14 day juice fast) all stretched between years. I don't see myself fasting again for a really long time after this.
-energy is low. walking to the bathroom and to get water is enough, though I managed a quick shower yesterday I think another one can wait till tomorrow ;)
-I passed a small amount of gas and it smelled like a rotting body of decay...I hope it's dead worms :)
-haven't had a headache in a while but the ring/buzzing in my head is strong at times. I wish I could explain what it's like but I can't think of anything to compare it to. It doesn't seem like tinitus because it's not really in my ears it's in the top and front of my head. It's really most noticable when I am trying to meditate.
-later in the day I get annoying hunger feelings. Fill the belly with water and dream of food. I have no real energy to do anything and no concentration to work on anything so I just lie around watching cooking shows savoring ideas for my cookbook interspersed with movies...it's all my mind is willing to do.
-nothing major to report. I'm glad day 10 is almost over :)
-wow, day 10...a triumph in itself. Many people plan a 10 day water fast and get good results. I feel like to stop now would be more detrimental than any good it has done to come this far. The healing processes are in full effect and to halt them would be devastating. Though I do think the shorter fasts stretched over time are a good plan to adjust to fasting and prepare for the long one. I've done many 1 day water fasts in the past, a 6 day and a 7 day fast (plus a 14 day juice fast) all stretched between years. I don't see myself fasting again for a really long time after this.
-energy is low. walking to the bathroom and to get water is enough, though I managed a quick shower yesterday I think another one can wait till tomorrow ;)
-I passed a small amount of gas and it smelled like a rotting body of decay...I hope it's dead worms :)
-haven't had a headache in a while but the ring/buzzing in my head is strong at times. I wish I could explain what it's like but I can't think of anything to compare it to. It doesn't seem like tinitus because it's not really in my ears it's in the top and front of my head. It's really most noticable when I am trying to meditate.
-later in the day I get annoying hunger feelings. Fill the belly with water and dream of food. I have no real energy to do anything and no concentration to work on anything so I just lie around watching cooking shows savoring ideas for my cookbook interspersed with movies...it's all my mind is willing to do.
-nothing major to report. I'm glad day 10 is almost over :)
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Water fast day 9
weight: 96.6 lbs temp: 96.8 (afternoon) 97.1 (early evening)
-I received a heartfelt apology from the recent negative email I complained about in my last post so that was unexpected and cool. Thanks PM.
-my friend brought a thermometer over just because I was interested in my temperature. Just so you know I typically have a lower temp than average because of the radiated thyroid and synthetic hormones. This is just one of a myriad of reasons I reccommend to people to do ANYTHING they can to avoid thyroid radiation. Any kind of medical intervention is going to be the most challenging issue to reverse when you awaken to the idea of healing as opposed to symptom treatment.
-my will is really strong because of how many things I've seen improved in only 9 days (9 days whoo hoo!!) so there's no consideration of quitting, but that being said, this is hard. I'm quite weak and the boredom is rough because I'm an active person and I can't do much. I think of all the exciting things I'm going to do after I regain my strength. A trip to the store sounds like Disneyland right now.
-the one thing that hasn't improved is my shoulder. I might have already mentioned it was one of the top symptoms that convinced me to start this fast, however there is no pain in my hip and lower back area and that has been the bane of my existence for YEARS! It was what got me addicted to opiates, not once but twice and has caused a lot of hell in my life. I tear up from the gratitude at times that there is absolutely zero pain in my hip anymore, and two different chiropracters told me my hip is turned slightly inward...one who measured my body with his hands and one who took x-rays, but no amount of adjustments ever got it into alignment (that is not to say that chiro adjustments have not done wonders for me because they have) and I suspect a lot of scar tissue is there and healing going on still. I'm being patient with my shoulder because the body has it's own intelligence and order of priorities. It starts at what is the most crucial, typically anything wrong with your organs and I treated my liver like a garbage can for so many years I'm sure there is plenty to do in there, and also in the digestive system where parasites have been wreaking havoc. Just a small mention, I've done so many parasite cleanses and passed so many crazy things on those cleanses that the idea of getting rid of them completely is a really bright one. Taking away their food source I think is the magic bullet.
(skip this paragraph if you don't want to read about food)
-I had some thoughts about how ignorant we are when we are young... we think we can eat anything because that's what we are told so we eat whatever tastes good. We are hooked on food before we are born because we ate what our mom ate. Then they wean us right onto cooked foods after breast milk-still eating what mom eats (or worse, formula) and from there they introduce more and more toxic stuff. I remember my Dad telling me I loved porkchops as a baby so they gave them to me all the time. My dad became a single father when I was three so he spoiled me with steak and lobster dinners and seafood which became my favorite. When he remarried my stepmom (who is my mom because she raised me and from here on will be called mom) she was an incredible cook. She was part Korean but was adopted very young and grew up being taught to make the food for the family, her parents and brothers. From there she adopted her own favorite recipes and made every cuisine from full course Mexican (Enchiladas, chili rellanos, tacos, the works) to unique Asian like hand made dumplings from scrath and one of my favorites, a beef tomato pepper dish that was to die for (literally, I laugh now when people say that because they don't realize how true it is that every bite is a bite closer to the grave). She made spare ribs and meatloaf with potato casserole, Lazagna, ham stuffed potatoes, scratch made chicken soup and dumplings, crab or tuna melt sandwiches, amazing porkchops, roast chicken and potato salad (sigh)...and for my Dad's contribution he liked to make long simmer pots of spagetti, stews and crock pot meals, roasts with mash potatoes and the works, and he was a master griller. We always loved bbq night, big thick t-bones or slow marinated chicken, seafood kabobs and sometimes just plain old burgers or hotdogs with that delicious cancerous grill crusted flavor, yum! He loved to make a pot of chili with cornbread or turn it into chili dogs. Almost every vegetable we ate came out of a can except for occasionally corn on the cob (drowning in butter) or a salad (smothered in bottled dressing). When nobody felt like cooking it was a bucket of kentucky fried chicken, biscuits, and coleslaw, pizza from the local scratch made place, asian take out with chow mein, bbq pork, eggrolls ect or a box of taco bell tacos...I always requested an enchirito (a bean and beef burrito laid flat and covered with enchilada sauce smothered in melted cheese). Of course there were also many tv dinners, pot pies, fish sticks and tater tots, shake and bake, hamburger helper, soup in a can, chef boyardee, kraft macaroni and cheese, frozen pizza, top ramen, rice a roni, corn dogs and fries, ect. I must have ate a billion chicken mcnuggets and french fries dipped in that bbq sauce. I did not care at all for McDonalds burgers, the Mcchicken would be my choice but I would do anything for a sausage cheese mcmuffin and one of those deep fried potato cakes ...if it was burger time it had to be a whopper from burger king with the works. Actually I also liked Wendy's burgers ok so if I wanted a frosty (thick ice cream shake) I would get my burger from there. Arbys roast beef sandwiches with that delectable high fructose corn syrup sauce and curly fries, yep. I took a job at Popeyes chicken in highschool and ate deepfried spicy chicken, butter crusted biscuits, cajon fries, red beans and rice, cajon rice, cajon mashed potatoes, crispy spicy nuggets and their perfect coleslaw as much as possible because it was free and I loved it. And then I worked at pizza hut where you get to make your own deep dish pizza every shift, and how they make those is with an iron pizza pan with so much oil in it that the dough floats, and then you cover that with sauce, a mound of cheese and any topping you can think of and pass it through the pizza oven. How could I almost forget Mom's homemade breakfast on the weekends? I would wake up to the smell of sizzling sausage, scrambled eggs, hashbrowns and buttery toast....sometimes pancakes or waffles with a gallon of karo syrup and butter. Don't forget cocoa pebbles, fruity pebbles, capn crunch all drowning in milk, pop tarts, breakfast strudell and millions of donuts. For about a year in 11th grade I got into body building and I ate a high protein low fat diet with my staples being chicken breast, plain tuna out of a can, white fish, plain rice, pasta with no sauce, egg whites, steamed vegetables and salad...no oils, no butter. I also got a juicer after a while and made mostly carrot juice as well as my own almond butter and the odd creativity like cantelope icecream. That's probably the only semi-partial healthyish segway I had in my life before becoming a vegan. A high protein diet like that is not healthy at all, but it was a small improvement on my regular s.a.d. uber fatty diet. I was already drinking coffee by junior high school. Add in cigarettes (I was smoking before I had a choice with two chain smoking parents filling up the house with smoke before I started on my own in junior high), marijuana (my sister and I would come home from school sometimes and sneak a little off the pot tray that my dad kept around for parties and get high before they got home. We did insane things like deep fry cheetos and dip cookies in peanut butter and tons of other horrible stuff I can't remember. That may have been when I invented my frosting sandwich), anti-biotics, prescription pain killers, a dentist who gave us nitrous oxide (laughing gas), hairspray, horrible perfumes, cosmetics, cleaning supplies (I remember the nasty smell of scrubbing the tub with comet powdered scrub), air fresheners...on and on and on. It's no wonder my thyroid went capute at the age of 15...I was getting almost no nutrients in my diet and my toxic overload was insane. I'm grateful now that I know, as long as there is consciousness in your body, you can bring it back to life and I am getting younger everyday.
-I received a heartfelt apology from the recent negative email I complained about in my last post so that was unexpected and cool. Thanks PM.
-my friend brought a thermometer over just because I was interested in my temperature. Just so you know I typically have a lower temp than average because of the radiated thyroid and synthetic hormones. This is just one of a myriad of reasons I reccommend to people to do ANYTHING they can to avoid thyroid radiation. Any kind of medical intervention is going to be the most challenging issue to reverse when you awaken to the idea of healing as opposed to symptom treatment.
-my will is really strong because of how many things I've seen improved in only 9 days (9 days whoo hoo!!) so there's no consideration of quitting, but that being said, this is hard. I'm quite weak and the boredom is rough because I'm an active person and I can't do much. I think of all the exciting things I'm going to do after I regain my strength. A trip to the store sounds like Disneyland right now.
-the one thing that hasn't improved is my shoulder. I might have already mentioned it was one of the top symptoms that convinced me to start this fast, however there is no pain in my hip and lower back area and that has been the bane of my existence for YEARS! It was what got me addicted to opiates, not once but twice and has caused a lot of hell in my life. I tear up from the gratitude at times that there is absolutely zero pain in my hip anymore, and two different chiropracters told me my hip is turned slightly inward...one who measured my body with his hands and one who took x-rays, but no amount of adjustments ever got it into alignment (that is not to say that chiro adjustments have not done wonders for me because they have) and I suspect a lot of scar tissue is there and healing going on still. I'm being patient with my shoulder because the body has it's own intelligence and order of priorities. It starts at what is the most crucial, typically anything wrong with your organs and I treated my liver like a garbage can for so many years I'm sure there is plenty to do in there, and also in the digestive system where parasites have been wreaking havoc. Just a small mention, I've done so many parasite cleanses and passed so many crazy things on those cleanses that the idea of getting rid of them completely is a really bright one. Taking away their food source I think is the magic bullet.
(skip this paragraph if you don't want to read about food)
-I had some thoughts about how ignorant we are when we are young... we think we can eat anything because that's what we are told so we eat whatever tastes good. We are hooked on food before we are born because we ate what our mom ate. Then they wean us right onto cooked foods after breast milk-still eating what mom eats (or worse, formula) and from there they introduce more and more toxic stuff. I remember my Dad telling me I loved porkchops as a baby so they gave them to me all the time. My dad became a single father when I was three so he spoiled me with steak and lobster dinners and seafood which became my favorite. When he remarried my stepmom (who is my mom because she raised me and from here on will be called mom) she was an incredible cook. She was part Korean but was adopted very young and grew up being taught to make the food for the family, her parents and brothers. From there she adopted her own favorite recipes and made every cuisine from full course Mexican (Enchiladas, chili rellanos, tacos, the works) to unique Asian like hand made dumplings from scrath and one of my favorites, a beef tomato pepper dish that was to die for (literally, I laugh now when people say that because they don't realize how true it is that every bite is a bite closer to the grave). She made spare ribs and meatloaf with potato casserole, Lazagna, ham stuffed potatoes, scratch made chicken soup and dumplings, crab or tuna melt sandwiches, amazing porkchops, roast chicken and potato salad (sigh)...and for my Dad's contribution he liked to make long simmer pots of spagetti, stews and crock pot meals, roasts with mash potatoes and the works, and he was a master griller. We always loved bbq night, big thick t-bones or slow marinated chicken, seafood kabobs and sometimes just plain old burgers or hotdogs with that delicious cancerous grill crusted flavor, yum! He loved to make a pot of chili with cornbread or turn it into chili dogs. Almost every vegetable we ate came out of a can except for occasionally corn on the cob (drowning in butter) or a salad (smothered in bottled dressing). When nobody felt like cooking it was a bucket of kentucky fried chicken, biscuits, and coleslaw, pizza from the local scratch made place, asian take out with chow mein, bbq pork, eggrolls ect or a box of taco bell tacos...I always requested an enchirito (a bean and beef burrito laid flat and covered with enchilada sauce smothered in melted cheese). Of course there were also many tv dinners, pot pies, fish sticks and tater tots, shake and bake, hamburger helper, soup in a can, chef boyardee, kraft macaroni and cheese, frozen pizza, top ramen, rice a roni, corn dogs and fries, ect. I must have ate a billion chicken mcnuggets and french fries dipped in that bbq sauce. I did not care at all for McDonalds burgers, the Mcchicken would be my choice but I would do anything for a sausage cheese mcmuffin and one of those deep fried potato cakes ...if it was burger time it had to be a whopper from burger king with the works. Actually I also liked Wendy's burgers ok so if I wanted a frosty (thick ice cream shake) I would get my burger from there. Arbys roast beef sandwiches with that delectable high fructose corn syrup sauce and curly fries, yep. I took a job at Popeyes chicken in highschool and ate deepfried spicy chicken, butter crusted biscuits, cajon fries, red beans and rice, cajon rice, cajon mashed potatoes, crispy spicy nuggets and their perfect coleslaw as much as possible because it was free and I loved it. And then I worked at pizza hut where you get to make your own deep dish pizza every shift, and how they make those is with an iron pizza pan with so much oil in it that the dough floats, and then you cover that with sauce, a mound of cheese and any topping you can think of and pass it through the pizza oven. How could I almost forget Mom's homemade breakfast on the weekends? I would wake up to the smell of sizzling sausage, scrambled eggs, hashbrowns and buttery toast....sometimes pancakes or waffles with a gallon of karo syrup and butter. Don't forget cocoa pebbles, fruity pebbles, capn crunch all drowning in milk, pop tarts, breakfast strudell and millions of donuts. For about a year in 11th grade I got into body building and I ate a high protein low fat diet with my staples being chicken breast, plain tuna out of a can, white fish, plain rice, pasta with no sauce, egg whites, steamed vegetables and salad...no oils, no butter. I also got a juicer after a while and made mostly carrot juice as well as my own almond butter and the odd creativity like cantelope icecream. That's probably the only semi-partial healthyish segway I had in my life before becoming a vegan. A high protein diet like that is not healthy at all, but it was a small improvement on my regular s.a.d. uber fatty diet. I was already drinking coffee by junior high school. Add in cigarettes (I was smoking before I had a choice with two chain smoking parents filling up the house with smoke before I started on my own in junior high), marijuana (my sister and I would come home from school sometimes and sneak a little off the pot tray that my dad kept around for parties and get high before they got home. We did insane things like deep fry cheetos and dip cookies in peanut butter and tons of other horrible stuff I can't remember. That may have been when I invented my frosting sandwich), anti-biotics, prescription pain killers, a dentist who gave us nitrous oxide (laughing gas), hairspray, horrible perfumes, cosmetics, cleaning supplies (I remember the nasty smell of scrubbing the tub with comet powdered scrub), air fresheners...on and on and on. It's no wonder my thyroid went capute at the age of 15...I was getting almost no nutrients in my diet and my toxic overload was insane. I'm grateful now that I know, as long as there is consciousness in your body, you can bring it back to life and I am getting younger everyday.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Water fast day 8
weight: 97.6 lbs
-woke up with a hard pulse, slightly elevated (for me) normal range for me is 60-70 (general normal is 60-100bpm)and this morning was 80...still very in normal range and in all the reading I've done to prepare for this fast, and elevated heart rate is part of the process that signals deep cleansing so I was nervous for a while because it was so present to feel when you normally aren't too aware of your heartbeat but it seems to have calmed a bit and my guidance says I'm fine.
-weaker than previous, have to catch my breath after walking to the bathroom and back...not winded like you just ran a block, but just need time to get back to a regular breathing pace as walking is an effort.
-received one of those nasty emails I haven't dealt with in a while...someone posted on my fb status that my ideas were out there to say the least. I did not respond to him I just deleted him. I don't know why people want to be on my social networks who just want to debate my ideas, it doesn't make sense. If I don't care for someone's views I avoid them rather than follow every little thing they say just to disagree. Anyway, apparently unfriending him torked him off and he wrote me two long messages about the usual things...I'm so egotistical as to think my ideas are above everyone else and above scientific inquiry and oh you think your so much better than everyone because you are fasting blah blah blah and I've gotten too religious ect ect...I've never been religious, I love God and I'm incredibly grateful for all my guidance and angelic support. Screw you if you don't get it. I had zero interest in engaging him in his negativity as I of course know the stages of truth (first stage: ridicule) and when people attack me they are just attacking themselves so I simply blocked him. I will no longer engage this kind of belittling behavior, what is the stupid point? Our egos get into these pissing matches and it solves nothing.
-a little while after I sat with the frustration of being misunderstood and having my person attacked all the time I just started to take in how hard this work is and I cried. I was focusing on how difficult this fast is while I was crying but I think I just needed to purge a lot of stored emotions...and my sense of humor was up there in my brain thinking, "I hope I'm not losing too much salt water" lol). The thing is, this is a huge commitment I have made to become a better person, to become a healthier person. We so often want to do things in the world to make it a better place and we work on the external while we are killing ourselves (example: people who do missions overseas for "starving" countries and still eat roast beef for dinner which is killing their body). My feeling is that there is nothing better we can do for humanity than to better ourselves...to give to the world a stronger person with more clarity. The more we help ourselves, the more we help others.
-last night before I went to bed I wasn't uber tired and I had the tv on and I was thinking if I would find a movie to watch or just lay down with my thoughts until I fell asleep. I got the message to turn the tv off and then I sat there in the dark and as my eyes began to adjust to the darkness I was having this feeling of beings around and then a very sing-songy female voice talking really fast like super excited started in with, "oh my gosh, Crystal, you are doing amazing, you are HEALING! We are so excited for you, isn't it amazing?" ect on like that for a while...the talking was so fast I was barely keeping up, it was all inspirational and I got teary eyed with pride, I'm on the right path and I'm being supported and then I started asking specific questions about things in my mind and each one was answered in clear detail...like, "this pain here, is it ok?" "yes that is such and such healing, the body knows what it's doing" ect like that until I felt completely at ease and really overwhelmed with gratitude and finally laid down...had a hard time getting comfortable before I finally drifted off. Ooops, there I go being all religious and self important again ;)
-I was going to put off doing another colonic but it started to feel like I had to poo and nothing would come out and pushing took so much energy I couldn't hang. I'm so glad I went to the effort. I did see a couple more worms floating and most everything else was so hard and compacted it sank to the bottom where I couldn't see it, it was quite a bit and it was a real relief. I mention the sinking thing because usually my stool is all vegetation and it floats. With no water or food going into the bowels there is nothing to push it out and the body is slow to move it without something coming along behind it. I felt like I needed it and it really helped a lot. Apparently most fasting clinics don't recommend colonics or enemas but even the Essene Gospel of Peace describes Jesus telling his followers when fasting to also run a gourd full of water with a pipe into their nether regions until the water runs clear. The Essene Gospel of Peace was left out of the bible so that's not really religious is it? (lol)
-my mild toxin headache dispersed after the colonic.
-another odd healing crisis (when the old injury returns to be healed, not really a crisis, that's just the terminology) came up today on my foot...it's red, vaguely bruised and painful and I think it's from when I recently dropped a jar of juice on my foot during a juice fast and it took a long time for the bruise to go away...obviously it never properly healed.
-lot's of stomach shrinking today giving the illusion of hunger. I've never made it to day 8 so I wasn't expecting that. Periodic hiccups and heartburn are annoying at times.
-I can read words on the tv without my glasses, wow!
-the ringing in my head/ears gets better and worse. Just like the headache.
-really glad to be almost through day 8!
-woke up with a hard pulse, slightly elevated (for me) normal range for me is 60-70 (general normal is 60-100bpm)and this morning was 80...still very in normal range and in all the reading I've done to prepare for this fast, and elevated heart rate is part of the process that signals deep cleansing so I was nervous for a while because it was so present to feel when you normally aren't too aware of your heartbeat but it seems to have calmed a bit and my guidance says I'm fine.
-weaker than previous, have to catch my breath after walking to the bathroom and back...not winded like you just ran a block, but just need time to get back to a regular breathing pace as walking is an effort.
-received one of those nasty emails I haven't dealt with in a while...someone posted on my fb status that my ideas were out there to say the least. I did not respond to him I just deleted him. I don't know why people want to be on my social networks who just want to debate my ideas, it doesn't make sense. If I don't care for someone's views I avoid them rather than follow every little thing they say just to disagree. Anyway, apparently unfriending him torked him off and he wrote me two long messages about the usual things...I'm so egotistical as to think my ideas are above everyone else and above scientific inquiry and oh you think your so much better than everyone because you are fasting blah blah blah and I've gotten too religious ect ect...I've never been religious, I love God and I'm incredibly grateful for all my guidance and angelic support. Screw you if you don't get it. I had zero interest in engaging him in his negativity as I of course know the stages of truth (first stage: ridicule) and when people attack me they are just attacking themselves so I simply blocked him. I will no longer engage this kind of belittling behavior, what is the stupid point? Our egos get into these pissing matches and it solves nothing.
-a little while after I sat with the frustration of being misunderstood and having my person attacked all the time I just started to take in how hard this work is and I cried. I was focusing on how difficult this fast is while I was crying but I think I just needed to purge a lot of stored emotions...and my sense of humor was up there in my brain thinking, "I hope I'm not losing too much salt water" lol). The thing is, this is a huge commitment I have made to become a better person, to become a healthier person. We so often want to do things in the world to make it a better place and we work on the external while we are killing ourselves (example: people who do missions overseas for "starving" countries and still eat roast beef for dinner which is killing their body). My feeling is that there is nothing better we can do for humanity than to better ourselves...to give to the world a stronger person with more clarity. The more we help ourselves, the more we help others.
-last night before I went to bed I wasn't uber tired and I had the tv on and I was thinking if I would find a movie to watch or just lay down with my thoughts until I fell asleep. I got the message to turn the tv off and then I sat there in the dark and as my eyes began to adjust to the darkness I was having this feeling of beings around and then a very sing-songy female voice talking really fast like super excited started in with, "oh my gosh, Crystal, you are doing amazing, you are HEALING! We are so excited for you, isn't it amazing?" ect on like that for a while...the talking was so fast I was barely keeping up, it was all inspirational and I got teary eyed with pride, I'm on the right path and I'm being supported and then I started asking specific questions about things in my mind and each one was answered in clear detail...like, "this pain here, is it ok?" "yes that is such and such healing, the body knows what it's doing" ect like that until I felt completely at ease and really overwhelmed with gratitude and finally laid down...had a hard time getting comfortable before I finally drifted off. Ooops, there I go being all religious and self important again ;)
-I was going to put off doing another colonic but it started to feel like I had to poo and nothing would come out and pushing took so much energy I couldn't hang. I'm so glad I went to the effort. I did see a couple more worms floating and most everything else was so hard and compacted it sank to the bottom where I couldn't see it, it was quite a bit and it was a real relief. I mention the sinking thing because usually my stool is all vegetation and it floats. With no water or food going into the bowels there is nothing to push it out and the body is slow to move it without something coming along behind it. I felt like I needed it and it really helped a lot. Apparently most fasting clinics don't recommend colonics or enemas but even the Essene Gospel of Peace describes Jesus telling his followers when fasting to also run a gourd full of water with a pipe into their nether regions until the water runs clear. The Essene Gospel of Peace was left out of the bible so that's not really religious is it? (lol)
-my mild toxin headache dispersed after the colonic.
-another odd healing crisis (when the old injury returns to be healed, not really a crisis, that's just the terminology) came up today on my foot...it's red, vaguely bruised and painful and I think it's from when I recently dropped a jar of juice on my foot during a juice fast and it took a long time for the bruise to go away...obviously it never properly healed.
-lot's of stomach shrinking today giving the illusion of hunger. I've never made it to day 8 so I wasn't expecting that. Periodic hiccups and heartburn are annoying at times.
-I can read words on the tv without my glasses, wow!
-the ringing in my head/ears gets better and worse. Just like the headache.
-really glad to be almost through day 8!
Friday, September 27, 2013
Water fast day 7
weight: 99 lbs
-not hungry today, but watching cooking shows, which seems counter-intuitive but has been really intertaining exploring the enormous connection that we have to food.
-I got light headed upon standing a couple times and had to sit a bit to acclimate...I spend a lot of time half laying down
-I've had this interesting moist spot on my wrist that comes up whenever I eat something less than ideal that has been happening for years...it's almost like a clammy feeling. It happened today and upon pondering I thought, well, whatever that weird thing is, it's coming up to be healed. And then I thought, what IS that weird thing? And then I had a vision of when I was a kid and I got a watch for my birthday and after wearing it for a short time I got a rash where the metal was touching the skin. I was looking at my wrist and I saw the distinct impression of the watch circle and the kind of patchie colored skin the rash had caused but the rash wasn't really there. A doctor then told us I must be really sensitive to metals and if we painted the back with nail polish it should be fine and I should try to keep cheap metals off my skin...so I bet I've got a deposit of metals sitting in there that is finally being conquered. It's really intersting how you get clarity on where all these old aches and pains came from, like the vaccine in the arm thing...I hadn't thought about those things since they happened and they were suddenly brought to my awareness with the clarity that this intense healing is bringing.
-I'm pretty weak but I can do anything I set my mind to...but I prefer to sit and rest and let the body do it's work. I had a massage here and it was nice and then I walked to the mailbox which was refreshing. I feel like if I needed to go to the store I could but I'm glad I don't have to, it doesn't sound like fun :)
-the mild headache comes and goes so I have periods of relief and it's so minor anyway that it's quite tolerable
-day 7 is the day I quit on my last fast for which I didn't set a goal. I felt extremely weak with a lot of stressful thoughts and worries so I just kind of threw in the towel. Today I feel really strong willed and like I just started and I'm ready to go for the complete healing. All my usual worries are covered with help from friends and I have no stress so I'm ready to take this window in my life and be committed to this path I've embarked on. I also feel like if I quit now it would do more damage than good because all the healing processes are just getting started and I don't want to halt them....so I would call this day, "over the hump"
-Haven't felt like doing anything artistic but I do keep jotting down recipe ideas as childhood comfort foods come to the surface and thing, hell, no wonder I've depreciated to such a degree considering what I lived on for the first 3 quarters of my life. I've been a vegan 9 years and mostly raw for 7 and done countless cleansing protocols and I'm still a disasterpiece theatre so I can't imagine what people my age and beyond are dealing with...I'll be 40 on Christmas but I think 40 is the new 30 :)
-every once in a while I feel that stomach shrinking feeling that we associate with hunger and I think, hmmm...what should I eat? And then I remember I'm fasting and I sigh and think, oh yeah, refreshing delicious water.
-I lose my train of thought easily so that's enough for this journal I think, but I definitely feel guided in this process and I have felt completely safe the whole time as if I am surrounded by many angels urging me on, excited and happy for me
-not hungry today, but watching cooking shows, which seems counter-intuitive but has been really intertaining exploring the enormous connection that we have to food.
-I got light headed upon standing a couple times and had to sit a bit to acclimate...I spend a lot of time half laying down
-I've had this interesting moist spot on my wrist that comes up whenever I eat something less than ideal that has been happening for years...it's almost like a clammy feeling. It happened today and upon pondering I thought, well, whatever that weird thing is, it's coming up to be healed. And then I thought, what IS that weird thing? And then I had a vision of when I was a kid and I got a watch for my birthday and after wearing it for a short time I got a rash where the metal was touching the skin. I was looking at my wrist and I saw the distinct impression of the watch circle and the kind of patchie colored skin the rash had caused but the rash wasn't really there. A doctor then told us I must be really sensitive to metals and if we painted the back with nail polish it should be fine and I should try to keep cheap metals off my skin...so I bet I've got a deposit of metals sitting in there that is finally being conquered. It's really intersting how you get clarity on where all these old aches and pains came from, like the vaccine in the arm thing...I hadn't thought about those things since they happened and they were suddenly brought to my awareness with the clarity that this intense healing is bringing.
-I'm pretty weak but I can do anything I set my mind to...but I prefer to sit and rest and let the body do it's work. I had a massage here and it was nice and then I walked to the mailbox which was refreshing. I feel like if I needed to go to the store I could but I'm glad I don't have to, it doesn't sound like fun :)
-the mild headache comes and goes so I have periods of relief and it's so minor anyway that it's quite tolerable
-day 7 is the day I quit on my last fast for which I didn't set a goal. I felt extremely weak with a lot of stressful thoughts and worries so I just kind of threw in the towel. Today I feel really strong willed and like I just started and I'm ready to go for the complete healing. All my usual worries are covered with help from friends and I have no stress so I'm ready to take this window in my life and be committed to this path I've embarked on. I also feel like if I quit now it would do more damage than good because all the healing processes are just getting started and I don't want to halt them....so I would call this day, "over the hump"
-Haven't felt like doing anything artistic but I do keep jotting down recipe ideas as childhood comfort foods come to the surface and thing, hell, no wonder I've depreciated to such a degree considering what I lived on for the first 3 quarters of my life. I've been a vegan 9 years and mostly raw for 7 and done countless cleansing protocols and I'm still a disasterpiece theatre so I can't imagine what people my age and beyond are dealing with...I'll be 40 on Christmas but I think 40 is the new 30 :)
-every once in a while I feel that stomach shrinking feeling that we associate with hunger and I think, hmmm...what should I eat? And then I remember I'm fasting and I sigh and think, oh yeah, refreshing delicious water.
-I lose my train of thought easily so that's enough for this journal I think, but I definitely feel guided in this process and I have felt completely safe the whole time as if I am surrounded by many angels urging me on, excited and happy for me
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Water fast day 6
weight: 100 lbs
-my painful inflamed hip resolved overnight, such a relief
-my shoulder still aches pretty bad and to feel around the area it hurts is like the muscle is calcified. I'm thinking that when I did my 14 day juice fast in July I loosened it up for a healing process and then eating again stopped the process and it tightened up for whatever reason. Upon pondering what I have ever done to my shoulder, I had a vision of myself as a little kid getting a very painful vaccine in that arm...then they gave me a sugar cube. I guess no one told them laughter is the best medicine.
-toxin headache is low, averaging between a 2 and 3 on a scale of 1-10 where on days it has been upper end 6-7 at times so it's much better and more tolerable
-I can see better...it's minimal but definite. I was needing my glasses just to read my computer screen (I'm near-sighted) and everything far away was too blurry to even make out. While things are still fuzzy I can actually make some things out that are farther away and I can watch movies without my glasses if I don't care about crisp images whereas before it was too blurry to tolerate.
-I still have a little energy, I walked to the mailbox this morning when I didn't feel like it yesterday because I was so ache-y and lethargic. I have way more energy than I remember having on my last fast but I still feel like laying around mostly, letting the body do it's work, though it was really great to breathe fresh air and the rain was refreshing.
-I get this weird almost pain but more like a tinging feeling at times, mostly in the glute area, feels like the body is tapping into deep stored fat tissues, yay!
-I finally did a colonic as I felt the urge...I kept feeling like I needed to have a BM but couldn't. I'm so glad I did. Everything that came out was so hard it was almost uncomfortable to pass (trying to imagine how painful it would have been without the water is icky)...and such a relief. I did see one skinny worm about 1 1/2 inches long...everything solid that came out was so hard and compacted it all sunk to the bottom so I couldn't investigate what else I might have passed but it's always good to see dead parasites being released. Halleauh.
-I think the colonic released a lot of waste and my toxin headache is even more improved...freeing up my observation to notice that all my cells are vibrating and working like crazy...it's a moment of euphoria when I realize I'm still going strong on willpower thanks to prayer and guidance.
-I can see my abs again which is it's own little victory...woo hoo!
-my painful inflamed hip resolved overnight, such a relief
-my shoulder still aches pretty bad and to feel around the area it hurts is like the muscle is calcified. I'm thinking that when I did my 14 day juice fast in July I loosened it up for a healing process and then eating again stopped the process and it tightened up for whatever reason. Upon pondering what I have ever done to my shoulder, I had a vision of myself as a little kid getting a very painful vaccine in that arm...then they gave me a sugar cube. I guess no one told them laughter is the best medicine.
-toxin headache is low, averaging between a 2 and 3 on a scale of 1-10 where on days it has been upper end 6-7 at times so it's much better and more tolerable
-I can see better...it's minimal but definite. I was needing my glasses just to read my computer screen (I'm near-sighted) and everything far away was too blurry to even make out. While things are still fuzzy I can actually make some things out that are farther away and I can watch movies without my glasses if I don't care about crisp images whereas before it was too blurry to tolerate.
-I still have a little energy, I walked to the mailbox this morning when I didn't feel like it yesterday because I was so ache-y and lethargic. I have way more energy than I remember having on my last fast but I still feel like laying around mostly, letting the body do it's work, though it was really great to breathe fresh air and the rain was refreshing.
-I get this weird almost pain but more like a tinging feeling at times, mostly in the glute area, feels like the body is tapping into deep stored fat tissues, yay!
-I finally did a colonic as I felt the urge...I kept feeling like I needed to have a BM but couldn't. I'm so glad I did. Everything that came out was so hard it was almost uncomfortable to pass (trying to imagine how painful it would have been without the water is icky)...and such a relief. I did see one skinny worm about 1 1/2 inches long...everything solid that came out was so hard and compacted it all sunk to the bottom so I couldn't investigate what else I might have passed but it's always good to see dead parasites being released. Halleauh.
-I think the colonic released a lot of waste and my toxin headache is even more improved...freeing up my observation to notice that all my cells are vibrating and working like crazy...it's a moment of euphoria when I realize I'm still going strong on willpower thanks to prayer and guidance.
-I can see my abs again which is it's own little victory...woo hoo!
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Water fast journal days 1-5
This was not one of those times where I had set an intention to do a water fast to progress on my path towards freedom...it was more like the last few years of binge eating and trying every supplement under the sun to resolve annoying issues finally caught up with me and my body was screaming for a break and time to heal...as my mind reeled through my excuse rolodex it finally landed on, hey, you need to do this before it's too late, ya dig? So I resolutely agreed a couple days before starting my fast that my higher guidance was of course right...and I stood in the shower thinking how it would be possible being the mother of two rambunctious school aged children, and finally decided to ask a friend if she would come a few days a week to make the kids dinner, pack their lunches and do the menial tasks around the house that need doing. She was more than happy to have a side job and in that moment I was accountable...but not excited.
In July I started a juice fast the day that my boyfriend died...I did not feel like eating at all...but I knew I needed strength to get through it and take care of my kids...the not wanting to eat anything at all lasted almost a week...I carried on with the juicing for another week because it felt good...but eventually cravings called loud and hard and I began eating again. The problem with juice fasting is you're still giving your body calories, so it can do more cleansing than usual, but nothing too deep. So what I accomplished was to loosen up a bunch of stuff and then halt the process and my body didn't like that. Things got worse and I started comfort eating. I would sit down to a bowl of macadamia nut cheese and eat it with romaine lettuce leaves as the spoon...scooping up spoonfuls with every bite of lettuce and demolishing a couple heads of romaine...that's a lot of fat for a little person like me, even though I was having only one meal a day like that, and mostly small snacks earlier in the day still with lots of juices and elixers, I started to feel really bad. I was sampling all kinds of supplements for my thyroid to try and get my feet warm and my metabolism up and I was using all kinds of aryvedic and chinese herbs to try and regulate my digestion and bloating...nothing was working. I remembered the ultimate truth...it's not the adding in that heals, but rather the subtracting of less than optimal choices of what to put in your body.
The night before I was to start my fast I decided to have one last food hurrah, even though my intention had been to juice that day so as to ease into it...my brain was screaming: ONE LAST SUPPER!!!! After that I made a list of all my anxieties about the fast and then kept a journal in a small notebook of the last five days...I thought I would transpose this at the end of the fast, but instead I decided to get this first part down and then start blogging the remaining days...the main reason is because it's getting uncomfortable to hold a pen and write and it's much easier to type...but also it will give me something to do.
People fear fasting because it's spoken ill of by those who try it and fail....they think the part about feeling bad, which is detox, is a sign that it's not a good thing to do and there aren't a whole lot of people in the medical proffession who are in favor of it, but why should they be? Their job relies on having sick people and the pharmaceutical payoffs they get to dole out drugs. But the truth is, we have polluted ourselves with so much shite for so many years, that when we finally give the body the space to heal, it's going to do it as fast as it can...and it's uncomfortable. This morning I was thinking about being a teenager and spraying myself with toxic perfumes and awful make-up (the skin eats and breaths) and spraying my buffoon hairdo with a literal cloud of toxic aerosol hairspray. We take anti-biotics and hormones (birth control), prescription medications when we hurt ourselves, we eat countless unknown and little understood chemicals and colorings in our processed foods, animal decay is stored in our adipose tissues for as long as it was put there, we attract buggly wugglies of all shapes and sizes who thrive in our intestines on the mountainess waste. We destroy our gut flora and the yeast gets the upper hand and chronic candida results. I mean c'mon, is it any wonder we are sick and our bodies are trying to tell us to take a break? Here's my journal so far:
9/20 prefast honesty coupled with pms hormonal emotions (lol)
-anger, frustration and anxiety are prevalent
-I'm afraid I'm alone in the way that I am thinking (in general, about the world and our existence)
-I want a water fast to heal me and I'm worried that it won't
-I'm afraid of failing
-I'm tired of doing everything alone
-I feel weak willed
-I feel sick of trying
-I'm tired of being uncomfortable
-I'm a little depressed about the weather and how much struggle winter is going to be
-I want to give up
-I want to know God's will so that I can align with it but I feel unaware and clogged
-I don't know how to love and forgive myself
-I'm tired of being confused
-I want to be healthy and happy and free to travel
9/21 waterfast day 1
weight: 109
-surprisingly optimistic
list of ailments I hope to resolve:
-hacking up phlegm
-burning stomach when eating fruit (mild ulcers?)
-ringing/buzzing in my head
-right arm/shoulder area sore and really tight...feels like I worked out but didn't, ongoing for a few weeks
-neck pain and stiffness
-itchy clogged ears
-generally yeasty, candida overgrowth
-bloated
-digestive issues/pain in lower intestines on the right side near hip/alternating constipation and loose stools
-thyroid/body temperature/metabolism/minor but uncomfortable heart palpitations
-eyesight
-itchy lower right calf like an under the skin rash
-mild dandruff (much less than before going raw but still occasionally annoying)
-low energy and dependence on stimulants like chocolate and tea
-aches all over the place, especially lower back/hip area, specific parts of my neck and shoulder
-feel dehydrated all the time despite taking lots of fluid everyday
-muscle cramping in my upper rib area
It was an uneventful day with the stomach shrinking/grumbling not causing me too much discomfort, toxin headache setting in...buckling in for the fight
9/22 Day 2
weight: 106.6
-shaky like I really want to eat, that feeling when you've gone too long without a meal and your blood sugar drops
-random cravings, mostly fruit
-irratibility
-getting weaker and a little lightheaded but still strong enough to get around easily
-alternating hot and cold
-occasional slight heart pain
-a little sweaty from time to time and internal buzzy feeling like drug withdrawal
-toxin headache a little less than yesterday but still strong
-I thought I would do a daily video diary but haven't felt like it
-feel very weak willed at times, phantom smells like the brain is trying to trick me into eating
-keep praying for strength and have visions of waking up next to my boyfriend's body, like...the alternative to healing is???
-random aches in the usual places are intensified
-a little gas at times (wasn't expecting that, lol)
-very jealous of people who are still eating whatever they want and don't worry about their health or envision a better way to live (sigh)
-looking for any reason to quit
-thinking of all the things I would like to eat but also how each one would ruin me
-afraid I won't have the strength to do what I need to do
-periods of optimism and clarity on an amazing future
-lots of emotions cycling:
*sorrow
*anger
*frustration
*acceptance
*gratitude and love for life and God
9/23 Day 3
weight: 104.6
-Still kind of hungry today but tending to the psychological side...continuing phantom smells (smells that seem to come from no where) like this morning a full course breakfast of eggs, sausage, hashbrowns, things I haven't eaten in years...cellular memory bring them up as they are being cleansed out?
-mantra: you are cleansing not starving and you are amazing. This will pass as a blip on the radar
-toxin headache mild today
-aches and pains in the regular areas, lower back/hip and shoulder seem pronounced
-my neck seems to be loosening up...rolling it around and stretching getting relief cracks and pops
-my shoulder is worse than before I started which is annoying but hopefully means the healing has begun
-walking into the kitchen is awful...I want to eat everything I see and it's all junkfood snacks the kids can easily grab
-strong lower back ache comes and goes...it's in the muscle not organs so it's not scary
-heart pain greatly diminished
-intestinal annoyance on the right side is greatly diminished
-food fantasies going crazy especially from tv commercials (the hallmark channel is the worst with tons of chocolate commercials, c'mon I'm just trying to watch some chick flicks!)
*I started to make a list of my worst cravings to add as future additions to my vegan and raw cookbook:
-chocolate covered ice cream bar
-decked out sandwich
-raw cookies
-fruit fruit fruit!
-raw yogurt (gah...so yum!)
-breakfast potatoes, sausage, "eggs" hotsauce
-chocolate truffles
-spicy cheesy kale chips
-soft shell taco
-raw icecream with "carmel" date sauce
-raw pizza
-berry pie (with icecream)
-jerk chicken (vegan and raw vegan version)
-grilled peanut butter and chocolate sandwich
-ice cream cake
-baked mac and cheese
-potato casserole
-potato sausage stew
-potato goulash (potato fetish anyone?)
-sausage muffin with cheese
-breakfast burrito (with potatoes!)
-cheesy garlic bread
-stuffed avocado
-chocolate chip cookies
-rice crispie treats
and things I just really really want! Cherimoya, persimmon,sapote, olives...
Intention setting/goals:
*I have a very successful reality show
*I am performing big shows
*I get to give inspirational talks which takes me traveling all over exotic places
*I have property in hot but not humid paradise with permaculture fruit trees of so many varieties, berries and wonderful things I haven't even heard of yet...it supports a group of really cool people that maintain it so I can come and go and hold really cool retreats there
9/24 Day 4
weight: 103.2
First thought of the morning on rising: "food is a really stupid idea"
-my shoulder hurts even more...lower back where the knots in my muscle tissue are is annoying and quite painful at times...intuition says the result of intensive healing taking place
-still don't feel like hunger has resolved (remembering I did a colonic the day before my last 7 day fast and that must have sped up ketosis as I was expecting to wake up day 3 without hunger) but still the thought of eating is not very appealing, just feeling bored and tired
-slight acid reflux which feels more like I need to burp but upon trying realizing it's liquid...drink more water and it resolves
-finding it slightly difficult to concentrate when reading and sometimes hard to think of the word I want
-phantom smells continue...am I breathing out old french fries and sausage? A stray fruit fly here and there buzz around my face so I must be exhaling something delicious (lol)
9/25 Day 5
weight: 101.6
-weakness definitely setting in but not as bad as I was expecting from my former fasts. I showered pretty comfortably this morning but I definitely wanted to get in and out and took an hour to motivate myself to do it. I had more stregth yesterday but I was more lazy so I didn't get to it...it was time to bathe and it was refreshing
-yesterday I asked the angels to warm up my feet which have been like icecubes most of the time even bundled under blankets and within a couple hours I noticed they were warm and stayed warm the rest of the night. hoping for a repeat today
-I started using the terminator zapper because it dawned on me after reading a few water fasting accounts yesterday that I've probably got parasites. When I put it on, I normally don't notice anything but today was like a mini war started in my intestines so I think it was definitely a spot on inutition, uhg.
-My teeth are not gathering gunk like they normally do when eating but I've still been brushing my teeth to remove the light film. Today was the first day I used toothpaste and it was delicious...the first taste I've had in my mouth...I rinsed my mouth really well when I was done so the taste and film wouldn't linger.
-My tongue is thickly coated. Ever since I learned of systemic candida and the tongue being a key sign I have tried everything to get rid of it for years...even long before starting raw foods and I have never seen myself with a pink tongue to this day. They say a thick coating on the tongue is a main symptom of water fasting but for me it's nothing new, just a little thicker. If I have a pink tongue after this I will jump for joy
-On my lower calf where I have a years ongoing itchy patch, like an under-skin rash, it's mostly resolved!
-the toxin headache is low today but over the last few days it has ebbed and flowed with day 1 and day 4 being the worst so far. I will be so grateful when it resolves, it makes it difficult to concentrate and work on the projects I want to tackle like movie editing.
-I'm not obsessing on food like I have the last few days (yet) but it still seems like my stomach is shrinking and causes that minor hunger feeling once in a while...for the most part I don't feel hungry unless I really dwell on it.
-where I used to be hacking up phlegm all the time, it's almost gone...I have had super small amount come up once this morning in the shower and a couple times in the last few days but it's so minimal compared to what was happening before
-the buzz/ringing in my head is slightly reduced but definitely not gone.
-no BM since day 1...periodic passing gas is pretty rank
-later in the evening my hip is inflamed and sciatic nerve radiating down to my ankle...I pray for relief and I receive an understanding to just notice the pain as a sensation only, and that it means my amazing body is repairing itself on deep levels and I feel grateful...but I wish it would end :)
In July I started a juice fast the day that my boyfriend died...I did not feel like eating at all...but I knew I needed strength to get through it and take care of my kids...the not wanting to eat anything at all lasted almost a week...I carried on with the juicing for another week because it felt good...but eventually cravings called loud and hard and I began eating again. The problem with juice fasting is you're still giving your body calories, so it can do more cleansing than usual, but nothing too deep. So what I accomplished was to loosen up a bunch of stuff and then halt the process and my body didn't like that. Things got worse and I started comfort eating. I would sit down to a bowl of macadamia nut cheese and eat it with romaine lettuce leaves as the spoon...scooping up spoonfuls with every bite of lettuce and demolishing a couple heads of romaine...that's a lot of fat for a little person like me, even though I was having only one meal a day like that, and mostly small snacks earlier in the day still with lots of juices and elixers, I started to feel really bad. I was sampling all kinds of supplements for my thyroid to try and get my feet warm and my metabolism up and I was using all kinds of aryvedic and chinese herbs to try and regulate my digestion and bloating...nothing was working. I remembered the ultimate truth...it's not the adding in that heals, but rather the subtracting of less than optimal choices of what to put in your body.
The night before I was to start my fast I decided to have one last food hurrah, even though my intention had been to juice that day so as to ease into it...my brain was screaming: ONE LAST SUPPER!!!! After that I made a list of all my anxieties about the fast and then kept a journal in a small notebook of the last five days...I thought I would transpose this at the end of the fast, but instead I decided to get this first part down and then start blogging the remaining days...the main reason is because it's getting uncomfortable to hold a pen and write and it's much easier to type...but also it will give me something to do.
People fear fasting because it's spoken ill of by those who try it and fail....they think the part about feeling bad, which is detox, is a sign that it's not a good thing to do and there aren't a whole lot of people in the medical proffession who are in favor of it, but why should they be? Their job relies on having sick people and the pharmaceutical payoffs they get to dole out drugs. But the truth is, we have polluted ourselves with so much shite for so many years, that when we finally give the body the space to heal, it's going to do it as fast as it can...and it's uncomfortable. This morning I was thinking about being a teenager and spraying myself with toxic perfumes and awful make-up (the skin eats and breaths) and spraying my buffoon hairdo with a literal cloud of toxic aerosol hairspray. We take anti-biotics and hormones (birth control), prescription medications when we hurt ourselves, we eat countless unknown and little understood chemicals and colorings in our processed foods, animal decay is stored in our adipose tissues for as long as it was put there, we attract buggly wugglies of all shapes and sizes who thrive in our intestines on the mountainess waste. We destroy our gut flora and the yeast gets the upper hand and chronic candida results. I mean c'mon, is it any wonder we are sick and our bodies are trying to tell us to take a break? Here's my journal so far:
9/20 prefast honesty coupled with pms hormonal emotions (lol)
-anger, frustration and anxiety are prevalent
-I'm afraid I'm alone in the way that I am thinking (in general, about the world and our existence)
-I want a water fast to heal me and I'm worried that it won't
-I'm afraid of failing
-I'm tired of doing everything alone
-I feel weak willed
-I feel sick of trying
-I'm tired of being uncomfortable
-I'm a little depressed about the weather and how much struggle winter is going to be
-I want to give up
-I want to know God's will so that I can align with it but I feel unaware and clogged
-I don't know how to love and forgive myself
-I'm tired of being confused
-I want to be healthy and happy and free to travel
9/21 waterfast day 1
weight: 109
-surprisingly optimistic
list of ailments I hope to resolve:
-hacking up phlegm
-burning stomach when eating fruit (mild ulcers?)
-ringing/buzzing in my head
-right arm/shoulder area sore and really tight...feels like I worked out but didn't, ongoing for a few weeks
-neck pain and stiffness
-itchy clogged ears
-generally yeasty, candida overgrowth
-bloated
-digestive issues/pain in lower intestines on the right side near hip/alternating constipation and loose stools
-thyroid/body temperature/metabolism/minor but uncomfortable heart palpitations
-eyesight
-itchy lower right calf like an under the skin rash
-mild dandruff (much less than before going raw but still occasionally annoying)
-low energy and dependence on stimulants like chocolate and tea
-aches all over the place, especially lower back/hip area, specific parts of my neck and shoulder
-feel dehydrated all the time despite taking lots of fluid everyday
-muscle cramping in my upper rib area
It was an uneventful day with the stomach shrinking/grumbling not causing me too much discomfort, toxin headache setting in...buckling in for the fight
9/22 Day 2
weight: 106.6
-shaky like I really want to eat, that feeling when you've gone too long without a meal and your blood sugar drops
-random cravings, mostly fruit
-irratibility
-getting weaker and a little lightheaded but still strong enough to get around easily
-alternating hot and cold
-occasional slight heart pain
-a little sweaty from time to time and internal buzzy feeling like drug withdrawal
-toxin headache a little less than yesterday but still strong
-I thought I would do a daily video diary but haven't felt like it
-feel very weak willed at times, phantom smells like the brain is trying to trick me into eating
-keep praying for strength and have visions of waking up next to my boyfriend's body, like...the alternative to healing is???
-random aches in the usual places are intensified
-a little gas at times (wasn't expecting that, lol)
-very jealous of people who are still eating whatever they want and don't worry about their health or envision a better way to live (sigh)
-looking for any reason to quit
-thinking of all the things I would like to eat but also how each one would ruin me
-afraid I won't have the strength to do what I need to do
-periods of optimism and clarity on an amazing future
-lots of emotions cycling:
*sorrow
*anger
*frustration
*acceptance
*gratitude and love for life and God
9/23 Day 3
weight: 104.6
-Still kind of hungry today but tending to the psychological side...continuing phantom smells (smells that seem to come from no where) like this morning a full course breakfast of eggs, sausage, hashbrowns, things I haven't eaten in years...cellular memory bring them up as they are being cleansed out?
-mantra: you are cleansing not starving and you are amazing. This will pass as a blip on the radar
-toxin headache mild today
-aches and pains in the regular areas, lower back/hip and shoulder seem pronounced
-my neck seems to be loosening up...rolling it around and stretching getting relief cracks and pops
-my shoulder is worse than before I started which is annoying but hopefully means the healing has begun
-walking into the kitchen is awful...I want to eat everything I see and it's all junkfood snacks the kids can easily grab
-strong lower back ache comes and goes...it's in the muscle not organs so it's not scary
-heart pain greatly diminished
-intestinal annoyance on the right side is greatly diminished
-food fantasies going crazy especially from tv commercials (the hallmark channel is the worst with tons of chocolate commercials, c'mon I'm just trying to watch some chick flicks!)
*I started to make a list of my worst cravings to add as future additions to my vegan and raw cookbook:
-chocolate covered ice cream bar
-decked out sandwich
-raw cookies
-fruit fruit fruit!
-raw yogurt (gah...so yum!)
-breakfast potatoes, sausage, "eggs" hotsauce
-chocolate truffles
-spicy cheesy kale chips
-soft shell taco
-raw icecream with "carmel" date sauce
-raw pizza
-berry pie (with icecream)
-jerk chicken (vegan and raw vegan version)
-grilled peanut butter and chocolate sandwich
-ice cream cake
-baked mac and cheese
-potato casserole
-potato sausage stew
-potato goulash (potato fetish anyone?)
-sausage muffin with cheese
-breakfast burrito (with potatoes!)
-cheesy garlic bread
-stuffed avocado
-chocolate chip cookies
-rice crispie treats
and things I just really really want! Cherimoya, persimmon,sapote, olives...
Intention setting/goals:
*I have a very successful reality show
*I am performing big shows
*I get to give inspirational talks which takes me traveling all over exotic places
*I have property in hot but not humid paradise with permaculture fruit trees of so many varieties, berries and wonderful things I haven't even heard of yet...it supports a group of really cool people that maintain it so I can come and go and hold really cool retreats there
9/24 Day 4
weight: 103.2
First thought of the morning on rising: "food is a really stupid idea"
-my shoulder hurts even more...lower back where the knots in my muscle tissue are is annoying and quite painful at times...intuition says the result of intensive healing taking place
-still don't feel like hunger has resolved (remembering I did a colonic the day before my last 7 day fast and that must have sped up ketosis as I was expecting to wake up day 3 without hunger) but still the thought of eating is not very appealing, just feeling bored and tired
-slight acid reflux which feels more like I need to burp but upon trying realizing it's liquid...drink more water and it resolves
-finding it slightly difficult to concentrate when reading and sometimes hard to think of the word I want
-phantom smells continue...am I breathing out old french fries and sausage? A stray fruit fly here and there buzz around my face so I must be exhaling something delicious (lol)
9/25 Day 5
weight: 101.6
-weakness definitely setting in but not as bad as I was expecting from my former fasts. I showered pretty comfortably this morning but I definitely wanted to get in and out and took an hour to motivate myself to do it. I had more stregth yesterday but I was more lazy so I didn't get to it...it was time to bathe and it was refreshing
-yesterday I asked the angels to warm up my feet which have been like icecubes most of the time even bundled under blankets and within a couple hours I noticed they were warm and stayed warm the rest of the night. hoping for a repeat today
-I started using the terminator zapper because it dawned on me after reading a few water fasting accounts yesterday that I've probably got parasites. When I put it on, I normally don't notice anything but today was like a mini war started in my intestines so I think it was definitely a spot on inutition, uhg.
-My teeth are not gathering gunk like they normally do when eating but I've still been brushing my teeth to remove the light film. Today was the first day I used toothpaste and it was delicious...the first taste I've had in my mouth...I rinsed my mouth really well when I was done so the taste and film wouldn't linger.
-My tongue is thickly coated. Ever since I learned of systemic candida and the tongue being a key sign I have tried everything to get rid of it for years...even long before starting raw foods and I have never seen myself with a pink tongue to this day. They say a thick coating on the tongue is a main symptom of water fasting but for me it's nothing new, just a little thicker. If I have a pink tongue after this I will jump for joy
-On my lower calf where I have a years ongoing itchy patch, like an under-skin rash, it's mostly resolved!
-the toxin headache is low today but over the last few days it has ebbed and flowed with day 1 and day 4 being the worst so far. I will be so grateful when it resolves, it makes it difficult to concentrate and work on the projects I want to tackle like movie editing.
-I'm not obsessing on food like I have the last few days (yet) but it still seems like my stomach is shrinking and causes that minor hunger feeling once in a while...for the most part I don't feel hungry unless I really dwell on it.
-where I used to be hacking up phlegm all the time, it's almost gone...I have had super small amount come up once this morning in the shower and a couple times in the last few days but it's so minimal compared to what was happening before
-the buzz/ringing in my head is slightly reduced but definitely not gone.
-no BM since day 1...periodic passing gas is pretty rank
-later in the evening my hip is inflamed and sciatic nerve radiating down to my ankle...I pray for relief and I receive an understanding to just notice the pain as a sensation only, and that it means my amazing body is repairing itself on deep levels and I feel grateful...but I wish it would end :)
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Ask a Crystal Child: Sundays
Q.
hey crystal I have a question on sundays I feel like my energy is so drained an it feels like im being attacked is this possible?
A.
My cousin answered this for me a few years ago when I noticed the same thing...she said, "well, it's the general public's day off and everyone is relaxing" ...made perfect sense and what an observation...the collective conscience is in a state of desiring to do nothing and since we are all connected it affects us all. It can be overcome with your will in the same exercise I explained in the answer to the question below, by essentially amping up your energy system, but I try to plan to have a relaxing and no stress Sunday as often as possible.
hey crystal I have a question on sundays I feel like my energy is so drained an it feels like im being attacked is this possible?
A.
My cousin answered this for me a few years ago when I noticed the same thing...she said, "well, it's the general public's day off and everyone is relaxing" ...made perfect sense and what an observation...the collective conscience is in a state of desiring to do nothing and since we are all connected it affects us all. It can be overcome with your will in the same exercise I explained in the answer to the question below, by essentially amping up your energy system, but I try to plan to have a relaxing and no stress Sunday as often as possible.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Ask a Crystal Child: energy
Q.
my question is what to do to fit in when Im on a high vibrational level an someone else is on a low vibrational level as snice im disabled I cannot block or runaway from there energy?
A.
I'll try to get to this at a later time for a more expansive video topic, but the main thing to know is that there is nothing to "do"
A frog doesn't ask, what can I do when I'm not around other frogs...what can I do about being around turtles?
Energy can only affect you in the way that you decide it does. If you are vibrating at a high level, then there should be no problem, in fact, you are in service to everyone around you, so I think all that's needed here is perspective shift...your high vibration is going to impact every level of vibration that is lower than yours in a positive way, just as being around high vibrational positive people will lift you up.
If you find yourself feeling "drained" around people, it's because you are around people who don't know how to produce their own energy and you are not adept at holding your own. Because of the law of energy, there is always plenty to be had. Try this exercise...imagine that you are a sponge for light and the air around you is pure golden light energy...now practice in your imagination the action of sucking in all the energy around you, pull it in through your belly and down through the top of your head and once you feel "full" then push it outward from the center of your body to the all encompased area around you...you are now radiating so much energy that no matter who you come in contact with, they can't drain you even if they consciously try (which they won't because people don't think of things like that, lol).
The important thing to remember is you can always feel as good as you want...and the energy is always available to you.
my question is what to do to fit in when Im on a high vibrational level an someone else is on a low vibrational level as snice im disabled I cannot block or runaway from there energy?
A.
I'll try to get to this at a later time for a more expansive video topic, but the main thing to know is that there is nothing to "do"
A frog doesn't ask, what can I do when I'm not around other frogs...what can I do about being around turtles?
Energy can only affect you in the way that you decide it does. If you are vibrating at a high level, then there should be no problem, in fact, you are in service to everyone around you, so I think all that's needed here is perspective shift...your high vibration is going to impact every level of vibration that is lower than yours in a positive way, just as being around high vibrational positive people will lift you up.
If you find yourself feeling "drained" around people, it's because you are around people who don't know how to produce their own energy and you are not adept at holding your own. Because of the law of energy, there is always plenty to be had. Try this exercise...imagine that you are a sponge for light and the air around you is pure golden light energy...now practice in your imagination the action of sucking in all the energy around you, pull it in through your belly and down through the top of your head and once you feel "full" then push it outward from the center of your body to the all encompased area around you...you are now radiating so much energy that no matter who you come in contact with, they can't drain you even if they consciously try (which they won't because people don't think of things like that, lol).
The important thing to remember is you can always feel as good as you want...and the energy is always available to you.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Catch up
WOWZ! Pushing a year since I posted a blog...I guess life has been life-ing and I have not had anything to write about...I still prefer video blogging but I haven't been doing much of that either...really focused on finishing this movie I've been working on for a LONG time now...this is what happens when you have no budget but you decide to do something anyway. It has come down to editing and perhaps a pick up shot here and there as I am putting the pieces together but all the principal stuff is done and I am seriously set to the task of completing this project...and now, for your pleasure...please enjoy a mock pharmaceutical commercial that I made for giggles...and PLEASE SHARE...wherever however you can...post it on your social networks, email it to your friends...expand expand expand...share the funny. Love you!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)