Why am I here?

Sometimes we don't know what the hell we are doing here...for me, lately it's a lot of the time. Days come and go when my life seems like one long series of mistakes. I did a past life regression today...it seems as if perhaps in my last life (or a recent previous life) I ate grasshoppers for a time just to stay alive. My whole family, of which I was the matriarch, sat down to a meal of grasshoppers for dinner. This is what I offered to my children in this apparent past life. It made me wonder at the resilience of life...the question always hanging over...why do we do this? Why do we come into form into this "matrix" just to have these often confusing experiences that at the end of the day amount to no consequence? I feel at times so urged on towards a purpose...sometimes felt strongly known, and more often not understood at all. We are set into a seemingly random set of circumstances (the family we are born into, our day of birth ect) and make all of our choices extending outward from the experiences that come from those experiences. Up until the age of about 6 they say we are basically in a hypnotic state recording everything we see and hear and storing it in our subconscious as "the truth." It is very difficult to overcome this subconscious recording I have found in my own experience and in the shared experiences of my friends and family. Sometimes I think nothing we do here matters, and sometimes I think everything we do matters. But I have long ago from a very early age grown weary of looking at the unfairness of things...the lies we are told...the lies we tell ourselves...the way we treat the planet, each other and ourselves. It's downright hideous. I needed glasses by the time I was in 7th grade. No one in my family wore glasses, it was not genetic. I stopped wanting to "see." The body and everything in the external world is literally recording and responding to our thoughts. It records every feeling and understanding and responds. Heart problems run in my family. We die of broken hearts. We die of addiction and self abuse because it hurts so much to be in this world and we see it too clearly. These are the side effects of being empathic in a world run by ego. I think the ego was once supposed to serve a useful purpose, the purpose of survival...it's the animalistic instinct that provides us with fight or flight. It's the radar system. But somehow it outsmarted even itself by deciding to take over the whole system and over rule truth, beauty and justice by always wanting to be right. It learned to be deceptive so that it could always have control. It uses judgement in every act of self preservation and in doing so judges only itself which equals self destruction. In this process it has become responsible for the wheel of karma, death and reincarnation inside of a system that was meant to be everlasting and thus instead destroys itself again and again returning to worms and accomplishing nothing. Death is nothing. It doesn't exist. It just scares you into believing you have something to protect and takes away it's own ability to be vulnerable to the only things that can save you: truth, and love.
Truth and love don't exist independently of each other. They are one and the same. They were born with God and are the only eternals. There is no such thing as love without truth. Anyone who tries it, fails...and miserably. I have dedicated my life to finding truth and in the search also to love. To love unconditionally is the only effortless thing we can do. Everything else is only fighting against that. Every self serving thing is emptiness. When we are lying to anyone, we are only lying to ourselves and we lose every time. We are the mind of God actualized into organic form to be a focal point for experience and God's only purpose is to experience love.
Sometimes I can sense that eery feeling that we are this weird little amalgam of species in a petrie dish inside the terrarium called Earth...and in our attempts to take our hands full of all the beauty that is already here and greedily make something out of it all or try and improve upon it we are exponentially destroying our own habitat...and just like the pets that we keep and watch, we are kept and watched...we are given food and water and all these "things" just to see what we will do with them. Sometimes it is immensely stunning...I know how profound it is to be in the presence of genius...people who take a handful of the magic here and make it tangible for the rest of us to gaze upon (I've always wanted to and strive to do this, to be an inspiration)...and then there is the audience of idiots, armchair critics and uneducated, overstimulated bored/boring lazy asses who just critisize any effort to do good things, or to change things for the better. Big minds are ridiculed by small minds all day everyday. And everything we try to find a crack where the light can get in is thwarted by media commentary, glamorizing bullshit to distract you and consumed under a mountain of hatred built up for eons. The egoic mind is a scourge on the earth but also on the collective conscience, and we all suffer under it. If you think you've escaped the ego, you're under an even heavier hand. The only way out is through...the only escape is awakening from your own delusion that anything but truth will save you...and the truth is, I'm talking to myself...because nobody else can hear the importance of a message you need to learn yourself, and we learn by teaching. If you understand, the veil is lifting. It's time to wake up. Can you hear me now?